They say that when you read a book you can tell more about the writer than the characters that fill the pages and perhaps that’s true but I've often found that while I write from the heart I often keep a little bit back, I never truly allow myself to use my characters for what they are, a way of expressing my feelings. I suppose you could say that it's pretty similar to my life. I have a few close friends but these are friendships that I value and are with people that I've known a long time but if what people tell me is right I always keep a little bit back just like in my writing. It's almost like if I don't give them all of me then they can't hurt me but is that what's holding me back? Am I destined to always stand on the sidelines cheering on the players rather than actually being a player? I don't ask for fame or fortune but it would be nice to know that people valued me in their lives.
I don’t exactly feel young considering I’m only 27 but maybe that’s because of all the responsibilities I have taken on. I suppose being a mother, a wife, a home owner and managing a full time job is a lot of responsibility and while I wouldn’t have it any other way sometimes I almost feel trapped in the life I created. I wanted it all, the house, the job, the kids and to be someone’s wife but I think I’ve lost myself along the way. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my life but hindsight is a great thing. I often wonder what would have happened had I not walked that day or had I not been stubborn enough to tell my friends that I wasn’t going to the same college as them but I’m a person who stands by her decisions.
Is it possible to care too much? I spend a lot of time making sure that everyone is happy and getting what they want that sometimes I forget what matters to me so at the moment when I decide that I matter I’m told I’m selfish. I don’t want to come across selfish but sometimes in order to get the things we want we have to be, right? I’ve lost count the amount of people I’ve let walk over me in the past, including two people I thought were my friends but it’s almost like I’m punishing myself for feeling hurt or angry or scared. These are natural human emotions and I shouldn’t fear them but I’m almost scared of what I’m capable of, not in a bad way. I can’t even hurt spiders but in the sense where sometimes the things I’m feeling or thinking could easily destroy everything around me.
I’m often told that my dreams are often bigger than me. I don’t exactly know what that means. I have dreams, ambitions; things I want to achieve like most people do so why are mine bigger than anyone else’s? Some of them have come true, others I’m working on but that doesn’t mean that none of them are possible. I’m planning on studying for a degree, I want to go to New York and Australia, and I want to write a movie. All of them are possible. I want to be encouraged just like I will encourage my daughter to do well. I want my daughter, Alana as she grows up to know that anything is possible. She’s as stubborn as her mother, in a good way and I already know that no one will be able to walk over her. She’s strong willed, passionate and outgoing and I respect that. I’m actually glad because in her own way she’ll get further. I’m the sort of person that if it was pouring down with rain and I hailed a taxi and another person ran towards the same taxi I would let them have it and get soaked. Alana would never do that and I respect that.
