Something to think about

I just want to write something that could mean something to someone! I just wish I had it in me to be great not just average. I want someone to pick up my book and really feel how Jess felt at that moment. Jess as a character is solid as is Ryan but Scott, Lydia and Megan are weak, that could be because they aren't in it enough to have the affect so re-writing bits to make it work and bringing back Jess' innocence! I like the confidence in her but she needs to be innocent with Scott and confident with Ryan. Scott is the best friend, the guy she's known her whole life and feels comfortable with. She never expects Ryan and its hard for her to accept that Ryan cares for her but as she drifts away from Scott she finds herself attracted to Ryan and his fancy life style. She finds it hard when he rejects her advances and turns to Scott for advice. It leads to a lot of revelations and Scott has to admit feelings that he's been hiding for years. It's hard for Jess to hear and she turns her back on both of them only to grow closer to Ryan. He just seems to know exactly what to say! But a revelation from Ryan pushes her towards Scott and they grow close again and Ryan starts dating a girl and this hurts Jess deeply. She feels betrayed and doesn't react well when Scott kisses her again. She goes to a party and Ryan is there alone and Jess kisses a random guy to make him jealous and it works but he still won't admit his true feelings so she leaves empty.

Frustrated...

Today I am a frustrated writer. It's hard to write about something so personal but yet not so important. The essence of the story is still there but I've changed bits to make it readable and flow better. I want to be honest with myself and my characters but its proving hard to completely allow myself to write from the heart. Its hard looking into my past and wishing things had been different. All this time and I never saw it back then but I was a 16/17 year old who enjoyed the unexpected and the danger, I didn't want to play it safe I wanted to feel everything!But at the same time feel numb from it all. I thought reading my diaries would help but really its just bought things back that I don't want to care about. I know I'm over it and Andy was right, you can't read a diary without taking you back to that point in time. How it felt at that moment, how I wanted to feel at that moment. But my Ryan character who's probably the main character at present along with Jessica is solid and loveable and the perfect guy who suddenly has a serious flaw. The other characters are still minor characters in comparsion but I want you to see how she sees both Ryan and Scott, its important to her development as a character that she changes around them. She loves Ryan but she's 16 and naive and not ready for what being with him would mean and then she befriends Scott and her world changes over a course of a year with Scott being the object of her affection and Ryan becoming the friend he was always destined to be. She struggles with the realisation that the people in her life are lying to her. She graves love but when it becomes apparent that Ryan could possible be 'that' guy she realises that she doesn't feel 'in love' with him. At the moment its hard to tell which guy she will end up with but it will be one of them but perhaps not how everyone expects. She needs to go out on her own and experience life and many years in her future she will bump into 'the guy' and the sparks will bounce once more. You can never ignore the sparks, those mind-numbing feelings of panic as he reaches his arm out to pull you close to him. You want to scream 'leave me alone' but ultimately as his lips touch yours your bodies entwine and you give yourself 100%. Taking in every last desperate ounce of him for fear of never having that moment again!

It's been almost a year!!!

It's been almost a year since my last post. Maybe that's saying either two things, one I haven't really been writing much or two things have been so busy that I just haven't had the time.

I've been inspired to write this short based on a dream I had the other night. It's going okay but I'm almost sure I've rushed too far ahead an revealed one of the biggest secrets in the 2nd chapter. Is there such thing as too early? Should I hang on and keep readers guessing. Kate is this head strong young women who's never really come to terms with her 1st failed marriage although it was never officially a marriage as she left him standing at the alter, fast forward 12 years and her younger sister Megan is marrying her childhood sweetheart Tom. But Kate can't help but feel jealous as she still holds Megan responsible. Following the death of their mother and her dying wish for the girls to remain close, Kate never admitted what she knew but she had to move away, live a different life.

I am thinking of writing a few chapters and then getting Hannah to read it before progressing!

2010 and onwards...

They say that when you read a book you can tell more about the writer than the characters that fill the pages and perhaps that’s true but I've often found that while I write from the heart I often keep a little bit back, I never truly allow myself to use my characters for what they are, a way of expressing my feelings. I suppose you could say that it's pretty similar to my life. I have a few close friends but these are friendships that I value and are with people that I've known a long time but if what people tell me is right I always keep a little bit back just like in my writing. It's almost like if I don't give them all of me then they can't hurt me but is that what's holding me back? Am I destined to always stand on the sidelines cheering on the players rather than actually being a player? I don't ask for fame or fortune but it would be nice to know that people valued me in their lives.

I don’t exactly feel young considering I’m only 27 but maybe that’s because of all the responsibilities I have taken on. I suppose being a mother, a wife, a home owner and managing a full time job is a lot of responsibility and while I wouldn’t have it any other way sometimes I almost feel trapped in the life I created. I wanted it all, the house, the job, the kids and to be someone’s wife but I think I’ve lost myself along the way. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my life but hindsight is a great thing. I often wonder what would have happened had I not walked that day or had I not been stubborn enough to tell my friends that I wasn’t going to the same college as them but I’m a person who stands by her decisions.

Is it possible to care too much? I spend a lot of time making sure that everyone is happy and getting what they want that sometimes I forget what matters to me so at the moment when I decide that I matter I’m told I’m selfish. I don’t want to come across selfish but sometimes in order to get the things we want we have to be, right? I’ve lost count the amount of people I’ve let walk over me in the past, including two people I thought were my friends but it’s almost like I’m punishing myself for feeling hurt or angry or scared. These are natural human emotions and I shouldn’t fear them but I’m almost scared of what I’m capable of, not in a bad way. I can’t even hurt spiders but in the sense where sometimes the things I’m feeling or thinking could easily destroy everything around me.

I’m often told that my dreams are often bigger than me. I don’t exactly know what that means. I have dreams, ambitions; things I want to achieve like most people do so why are mine bigger than anyone else’s? Some of them have come true, others I’m working on but that doesn’t mean that none of them are possible. I’m planning on studying for a degree, I want to go to New York and Australia, and I want to write a movie. All of them are possible. I want to be encouraged just like I will encourage my daughter to do well. I want my daughter, Alana as she grows up to know that anything is possible. She’s as stubborn as her mother, in a good way and I already know that no one will be able to walk over her. She’s strong willed, passionate and outgoing and I respect that. I’m actually glad because in her own way she’ll get further. I’m the sort of person that if it was pouring down with rain and I hailed a taxi and another person ran towards the same taxi I would let them have it and get soaked. Alana would never do that and I respect that.

That all important first chapter!

I'm struggling to get down on paper what I truly feel. I want the first chapter to be full of passion, of sexy outrageous characters but with heartache. It has to come at a price for all of them but I've written three different chapters and I just feel I'm back at square one. This book has to be worth something come the end of it but I fear that it will never match up to my high standards.

There isn't anything wrong with the first chapter but it lacks something, sparkle I guess. Something to really get the reader hooked. I need to show Kate's life and how its effected her now that she's lost out on. Maybe if instead of thinking about it I just allowed my fingers to flow over the keys then something will magically appear that is worth something! Hmmm...I never said I was J.K. Rowling!

Bored, lonely and off work sick!

It doesn't happen often but when you're off sick and you get a day off you always want to be able to do something practical. I wanted to write something amazing but after feeling so sick for most of the day I opted to veggie out in front of the television. I watched random films, even more random tv shows but more importantly I concluded my One Tree Hill DVD Season 2 and it was as great as I hoped it was but maybe not feeling up to writing was a blessing because it enabled me to watch other characters interacting like Nathan decided to return home to his parents and the moment he does his attitude almost returns to the old Nathan the one pre Haley and its sad because I've always loved Nathan as a character even more so than Lucas because there was so much more too him.

My Brennan character has a tough outer shell that he just can't let go of because he's scared of getting hurt so alot of him anger is aimed towards his love for Kate. Parker on the other hand is 'supposed' to be the perfect boyfriend but it appears very early on that he has weaknesses and it seems that out of losing her two best friends comes her love for Brennan. You know the person you least expect, the guy that comes running at 3am because you've had an arguement with your best friend and he was the first person you thought of. He's that guy!

I want Kate to push Taylor and Parker away. Something along the lines of 'I gave you my blessing it doesn't mean we can be friends!' I think that shows how strong Kate can be and Brennan is the person she confides in along with new girl in town Holly, theres alot of depth to her character. She has a very similar life to Kate, her parents work away alot and she's spent most of her life at boarding school. They instantly bond and Taylor finds this hard but Brennan quickly reminds her that she slept with her boyfriend. Suddenly Holly's little brother Nick comes in and instantly Brennan feels threatened. He comes a younger, smarter kid with a lot of money, who wouldn't be jealous but Kate isn't looking for a relationship just friendship.

The christmas episode is my fave so far. Its kind of a scrooch kind of deal. She's visited by three ghosts. Parker, Brennan and her mother. Its hard for her to hear some of their revelations but it hits home that she can't hide her heart forever. Her future with Parker is amazing, money, career, two kids and dog and two holidays a year but Parker has had countless affairs and when Kate realises that being with Parker came at a price she lost Brennan, she hunts him down to find that he's not the man she knew. He's cruel, heartless and gives Kate some home truths with regard to her relationship with Parker. Her future with Brennan is pretty similar to Parker's but Parker is still in their lives but as things unfold we learn that Kate is having an affair with Parker, Brennan finds out and she looses everything. Her mother appears and shows her the future if she doesn't chose either one and its perfect but Kate's lonely and it becomes apparent when she watches families with children gathering around the christmas tree. Her mother tells her that its Kate's decision and that her future is what she makes of it she wakes up to spend her first christmas with a proper family and later that day Kate and Brennan go for a walk and watch a family riding their bikes. Kate sighs but then thanks Brennan for making her christmas so magical. They share a kiss as it begins to snow (romantic stuff) and bang there starts a new relationship. I'm hoping it will be amazing to write.

I'm Back!

Never let it be said that I give up easily. I've fought off my evil writer's block and I am writing what should be an amazing finale to a great fan fiction story. It's my way of working on my writing ability.

I've been reading more and have two extremely good recommendations

1. Goodnight, Beautiful - Amazing book that will keep you guessing to the very end!
2. The love of her life - Totally capivating story that I just didn't want to put down!

I've started a new story that I am currently taking a breather from for fear of writing dribble. I want to be careful with this one as the story is a passionate love story.

I'm taking a creative writing diploma with the Open University in the new year and I am so excited about it for obvious reasons. I miss learning at a proper university and I'm hoping when my children are a little older to use the diploma as a way into university for my Event's degree. I really want to do it but I want my children to be over the age of 2 years old at least. Not so dependable etc.

I actually enjoy writing in all sense of the word. I like short stories, scripts, fan fiction and novels. I'm not too bothered about being published but one day it would be nice to actually have an article in a magazine or something!