Frustrated...

Today I am a frustrated writer. It's hard to write about something so personal but yet not so important. The essence of the story is still there but I've changed bits to make it readable and flow better. I want to be honest with myself and my characters but its proving hard to completely allow myself to write from the heart. Its hard looking into my past and wishing things had been different. All this time and I never saw it back then but I was a 16/17 year old who enjoyed the unexpected and the danger, I didn't want to play it safe I wanted to feel everything!But at the same time feel numb from it all. I thought reading my diaries would help but really its just bought things back that I don't want to care about. I know I'm over it and Andy was right, you can't read a diary without taking you back to that point in time. How it felt at that moment, how I wanted to feel at that moment. But my Ryan character who's probably the main character at present along with Jessica is solid and loveable and the perfect guy who suddenly has a serious flaw. The other characters are still minor characters in comparsion but I want you to see how she sees both Ryan and Scott, its important to her development as a character that she changes around them. She loves Ryan but she's 16 and naive and not ready for what being with him would mean and then she befriends Scott and her world changes over a course of a year with Scott being the object of her affection and Ryan becoming the friend he was always destined to be. She struggles with the realisation that the people in her life are lying to her. She graves love but when it becomes apparent that Ryan could possible be 'that' guy she realises that she doesn't feel 'in love' with him. At the moment its hard to tell which guy she will end up with but it will be one of them but perhaps not how everyone expects. She needs to go out on her own and experience life and many years in her future she will bump into 'the guy' and the sparks will bounce once more. You can never ignore the sparks, those mind-numbing feelings of panic as he reaches his arm out to pull you close to him. You want to scream 'leave me alone' but ultimately as his lips touch yours your bodies entwine and you give yourself 100%. Taking in every last desperate ounce of him for fear of never having that moment again!