It's been almost a year!!!

It's been almost a year since my last post. Maybe that's saying either two things, one I haven't really been writing much or two things have been so busy that I just haven't had the time.

I've been inspired to write this short based on a dream I had the other night. It's going okay but I'm almost sure I've rushed too far ahead an revealed one of the biggest secrets in the 2nd chapter. Is there such thing as too early? Should I hang on and keep readers guessing. Kate is this head strong young women who's never really come to terms with her 1st failed marriage although it was never officially a marriage as she left him standing at the alter, fast forward 12 years and her younger sister Megan is marrying her childhood sweetheart Tom. But Kate can't help but feel jealous as she still holds Megan responsible. Following the death of their mother and her dying wish for the girls to remain close, Kate never admitted what she knew but she had to move away, live a different life.

I am thinking of writing a few chapters and then getting Hannah to read it before progressing!

2010 and onwards...

They say that when you read a book you can tell more about the writer than the characters that fill the pages and perhaps that’s true but I've often found that while I write from the heart I often keep a little bit back, I never truly allow myself to use my characters for what they are, a way of expressing my feelings. I suppose you could say that it's pretty similar to my life. I have a few close friends but these are friendships that I value and are with people that I've known a long time but if what people tell me is right I always keep a little bit back just like in my writing. It's almost like if I don't give them all of me then they can't hurt me but is that what's holding me back? Am I destined to always stand on the sidelines cheering on the players rather than actually being a player? I don't ask for fame or fortune but it would be nice to know that people valued me in their lives.

I don’t exactly feel young considering I’m only 27 but maybe that’s because of all the responsibilities I have taken on. I suppose being a mother, a wife, a home owner and managing a full time job is a lot of responsibility and while I wouldn’t have it any other way sometimes I almost feel trapped in the life I created. I wanted it all, the house, the job, the kids and to be someone’s wife but I think I’ve lost myself along the way. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with my life but hindsight is a great thing. I often wonder what would have happened had I not walked that day or had I not been stubborn enough to tell my friends that I wasn’t going to the same college as them but I’m a person who stands by her decisions.

Is it possible to care too much? I spend a lot of time making sure that everyone is happy and getting what they want that sometimes I forget what matters to me so at the moment when I decide that I matter I’m told I’m selfish. I don’t want to come across selfish but sometimes in order to get the things we want we have to be, right? I’ve lost count the amount of people I’ve let walk over me in the past, including two people I thought were my friends but it’s almost like I’m punishing myself for feeling hurt or angry or scared. These are natural human emotions and I shouldn’t fear them but I’m almost scared of what I’m capable of, not in a bad way. I can’t even hurt spiders but in the sense where sometimes the things I’m feeling or thinking could easily destroy everything around me.

I’m often told that my dreams are often bigger than me. I don’t exactly know what that means. I have dreams, ambitions; things I want to achieve like most people do so why are mine bigger than anyone else’s? Some of them have come true, others I’m working on but that doesn’t mean that none of them are possible. I’m planning on studying for a degree, I want to go to New York and Australia, and I want to write a movie. All of them are possible. I want to be encouraged just like I will encourage my daughter to do well. I want my daughter, Alana as she grows up to know that anything is possible. She’s as stubborn as her mother, in a good way and I already know that no one will be able to walk over her. She’s strong willed, passionate and outgoing and I respect that. I’m actually glad because in her own way she’ll get further. I’m the sort of person that if it was pouring down with rain and I hailed a taxi and another person ran towards the same taxi I would let them have it and get soaked. Alana would never do that and I respect that.

That all important first chapter!

I'm struggling to get down on paper what I truly feel. I want the first chapter to be full of passion, of sexy outrageous characters but with heartache. It has to come at a price for all of them but I've written three different chapters and I just feel I'm back at square one. This book has to be worth something come the end of it but I fear that it will never match up to my high standards.

There isn't anything wrong with the first chapter but it lacks something, sparkle I guess. Something to really get the reader hooked. I need to show Kate's life and how its effected her now that she's lost out on. Maybe if instead of thinking about it I just allowed my fingers to flow over the keys then something will magically appear that is worth something! Hmmm...I never said I was J.K. Rowling!

Bored, lonely and off work sick!

It doesn't happen often but when you're off sick and you get a day off you always want to be able to do something practical. I wanted to write something amazing but after feeling so sick for most of the day I opted to veggie out in front of the television. I watched random films, even more random tv shows but more importantly I concluded my One Tree Hill DVD Season 2 and it was as great as I hoped it was but maybe not feeling up to writing was a blessing because it enabled me to watch other characters interacting like Nathan decided to return home to his parents and the moment he does his attitude almost returns to the old Nathan the one pre Haley and its sad because I've always loved Nathan as a character even more so than Lucas because there was so much more too him.

My Brennan character has a tough outer shell that he just can't let go of because he's scared of getting hurt so alot of him anger is aimed towards his love for Kate. Parker on the other hand is 'supposed' to be the perfect boyfriend but it appears very early on that he has weaknesses and it seems that out of losing her two best friends comes her love for Brennan. You know the person you least expect, the guy that comes running at 3am because you've had an arguement with your best friend and he was the first person you thought of. He's that guy!

I want Kate to push Taylor and Parker away. Something along the lines of 'I gave you my blessing it doesn't mean we can be friends!' I think that shows how strong Kate can be and Brennan is the person she confides in along with new girl in town Holly, theres alot of depth to her character. She has a very similar life to Kate, her parents work away alot and she's spent most of her life at boarding school. They instantly bond and Taylor finds this hard but Brennan quickly reminds her that she slept with her boyfriend. Suddenly Holly's little brother Nick comes in and instantly Brennan feels threatened. He comes a younger, smarter kid with a lot of money, who wouldn't be jealous but Kate isn't looking for a relationship just friendship.

The christmas episode is my fave so far. Its kind of a scrooch kind of deal. She's visited by three ghosts. Parker, Brennan and her mother. Its hard for her to hear some of their revelations but it hits home that she can't hide her heart forever. Her future with Parker is amazing, money, career, two kids and dog and two holidays a year but Parker has had countless affairs and when Kate realises that being with Parker came at a price she lost Brennan, she hunts him down to find that he's not the man she knew. He's cruel, heartless and gives Kate some home truths with regard to her relationship with Parker. Her future with Brennan is pretty similar to Parker's but Parker is still in their lives but as things unfold we learn that Kate is having an affair with Parker, Brennan finds out and she looses everything. Her mother appears and shows her the future if she doesn't chose either one and its perfect but Kate's lonely and it becomes apparent when she watches families with children gathering around the christmas tree. Her mother tells her that its Kate's decision and that her future is what she makes of it she wakes up to spend her first christmas with a proper family and later that day Kate and Brennan go for a walk and watch a family riding their bikes. Kate sighs but then thanks Brennan for making her christmas so magical. They share a kiss as it begins to snow (romantic stuff) and bang there starts a new relationship. I'm hoping it will be amazing to write.

I'm Back!

Never let it be said that I give up easily. I've fought off my evil writer's block and I am writing what should be an amazing finale to a great fan fiction story. It's my way of working on my writing ability.

I've been reading more and have two extremely good recommendations

1. Goodnight, Beautiful - Amazing book that will keep you guessing to the very end!
2. The love of her life - Totally capivating story that I just didn't want to put down!

I've started a new story that I am currently taking a breather from for fear of writing dribble. I want to be careful with this one as the story is a passionate love story.

I'm taking a creative writing diploma with the Open University in the new year and I am so excited about it for obvious reasons. I miss learning at a proper university and I'm hoping when my children are a little older to use the diploma as a way into university for my Event's degree. I really want to do it but I want my children to be over the age of 2 years old at least. Not so dependable etc.

I actually enjoy writing in all sense of the word. I like short stories, scripts, fan fiction and novels. I'm not too bothered about being published but one day it would be nice to actually have an article in a magazine or something!

One of those moments!

I've often wondered whether influence is what gets us through life? I've got back into reading lately as my writing as dried up a little and I've just read a booked called 'Where Rainbows End' and it really pulled at my heart strings just the fact that they should be friends for so long and not get together until they fifty and had two failed marriages really made me wonder whether sometimes it is all about time! Not everything is simple and easy to understand and I learnt that from writing. Sometimes things in front of us just don't seem as obvious to us as they do to everyone else. You could spend you whole life ignoring feelings, thoughts or moments you had with another person because you didn't believe they felt the same when really they did.

Too many people in this world ignore moments that are the most important thing. They could mean something life altering. I've had moments and completely ignored them so now I spend my time writing my frustrations. I want to teach my daughter that its okay to make mistakes and walk away as long as when you walk away its for the right reasons and not because she's scared of feeling something new.

I sometimes think that I didn't allow myself to FALL as they say but what do I really know. I've only ever been in love once and thats it. Boring, they end. Sometimes I wonder what would have been but then I'm bought back to reality with a jolt and realise that things happen for a reason and so my writing continues...

I've lost it!

I think I've come to that point...yep, fully blown WRITERS BLOCK! I thought it was something I would get over but I've had weeks if not months of not really coming up with anything. I want to see if I can write some of my new one later. Writers block is sooooo frustrating. I thought if I didn't touch my computer for a few days that I would maybe think of something but if I do it never goes down on paper as well.

Maybe this is it? Maybe the last two years of soul searching in the help of writing as suddenly come to end. Maybe I just have no soul left? Hmmmm...I want them all finished by July so I can concentrate on others things and maybe pick it up later on in the summer when I find the time but some of them are sooooo close to finishing that I can't think of what to write next. I've left some of my older ones in an attempt to write something fresher but that didn't work as well as I thought. I start chapters and they fizzle out.

I need some inspiration!!! I'll have a think over the weekend and maybe write some notes to see if I can at least finish the ones that are tormenting me!

Whoever said being a writer was easy! grrr...

I'm Back!

It's been a whole month! It's been a little caotic but have been writing a new story that everyone seems to be loving. Not sure why? I think its good but not brilliant...well okay its better than some of my others but now I have a laptop I am working on some of my older ones so I can finish them because christmas.

I am certaining a frustrated writer at the moment...

I'm at it again!

After having weeks of writers block I am now overloaded with ideas. As usual I am finding it hard to find the time to write a whole chapter in one go but I have some seriously good ideas flowing at the moment and I think I am in the middle of writing one of my best chapters yet! It has so much feeling and passion that you can really feel for her and all the other characters. I mean its not everyday that you wake up from a coma and realise that you've lost ten years of your life and the only person that believes you is the person that disliked you the most all those years ago. I'm not even sure where the story is going but I want to take the characters back to a time in there lifes where all they seemed to worry about was what lip gloss matched which outfit or would it last. I think that its the most challenging story I've ever written mainly because I'm not sure about alot of the feelings they both feel.

I love their love for each other. It's almost a fairytale way in which you'd almost see him losing half his heart if she died. It's that powerful but their journey is far from over. I want her to remind him of what it was like when they first met. All those feelings all those tears. I want him to remember what it was like to miss her and eventually begin to understand that she isn't lying, she did in fact believe that things were different. I'm going back towards the theapy angle where she explains various changes. I think they will stay together...I'm in the mood for a happy ending and there love has grown over the years and it almost killed him when she nearly died something that will be explained aswell. Whether my readers, not that there are many will understand what I have done or plan to do but I'm sure it will have both the shock factor and the awe factor. lol.

I need to get moving!

I've been some what lacking behind lately! I want to write! I could quite happily sit at my computer for hours writing but I need to keep a check on my real life and I've noticed that this week me and Nick have been closer because I'm spending time with him. I write my stories at work and when I get home its his time which I guess is why I'm a little behind. There are so many stories now that I'm unsure what to write next. I want to end a few of them but people bump up my posts asking for certain ones and I agree. I'm actually going to work on 'Breaking hearts' today because its not far off being finished and is getting to all the good stuff between the main characters. Its just drawing it to a natural conclusion.

Writing has become a part of my life this last year. I find its a way of expressing alot of my emotions that I wouldn't usually bother with. I don't see myself being a number one author or anything but as a hobby...its a good one and I inspire people so it can't be too bad!

Why?

Why is it that I always get major writing days when I know I will struggle to write a single thing. I was up early this morning after spending more of the early hours (after hubbie went to work) thinking about my next chapter. I eventually got up and wrote what appears to be the beginnings of a good chapter of intense feelings for all the characters. I think I like to write alot where a character can't have what they want the most before I feel it reflects real life more. I mean just because you fall in love with someone doesn't mean they will love you back or they won't already be in love with someone else. That said though...I am a sucker for happy endings at the moment and this one is destined to be just that. A wholesome, lovey dovey, kissing all the way happy ending. lol.

I know I won't get much written today as its the end of the month at work and Will & Grace is on tonight so not going to get much time on the computer unless Nick stays late. I'm doing a chapter for 'Lost without you' and then moving on to one of my older stories that has been pushed to the side for a few weeks. I'm hoping to bring it back from the dead and finish it. See I have this thing where it starts brilliantly and I really draw my readers in but then I get this blah blah and it starts to be not so brilliant.

I posted a short story on a website yesterday to be reviewed and my first review kind of hurt to be honest. Hence the fact I never show my work to anyone, it wasn't exactly horrible...it was honest but she basically told me to re-write the whole thing which wasn't the point of the story. Its supposed to be short, sweet and emotional. She said the main character cried too much and this annoyed her but if your boyf died wouldn't you cry alot?I know I would. I'm obviously missing a big point here of some sort. Oh yeah, she didn't like it. I might re-write it when I get the time after all the others are finished but until then I'm leaving as sketchy and awful as it is for the pure reason that I thought it was good considering I wrote it in about two hours!

Having Doubts

There comes a time in everyone's life when they begin to doubt their own ability! I've often wondered if I'm cut out to become a writer of any sort. I mean its not where my passion lies. I've always seen it as more of a hobby that helps me express myself but somehow walking away from it scares me. Writing brings me hope and encourages me to keeping taking things further.

Inspiration

I wrote my first story a year ago and I've realised how much I have improved. I would have never thought that I could make a person cry but I have and thats not bad because thats what I wanted. I wanted to explore different emotions with my writing. I see alot of my own dreams as inspiration...I often look to the future in the hope of finding something to latch onto. I was thinking of starting a career diary in the hope of publishing it one day. Getting into the media industry is one giant struggle but I want to inspire people. I want to make a difference in someone's life even if its just for five minutes. It would mean more to me than my own personal gain. Inspiration is a funny thing, it just seems to pop out when you least expect it, its like you have the worst writers block ever and then suddenly you feel something...its hard to explain. I sometimes see myself sitting alone in an old victorian house just writing with my little dog, Harry (haha). Its kind of sad but its the future I see sometimes.

Characters

I'm still writing my script. It's a slow process but one I am enjoying. I think my family see my writing as a stupid fantasy but its more than that. It's an expression of part of myself that not many people see. I have such a strong bond with my characters...its like they feel what they would think about a situation before I do which makes me feel like I lose part of myself when my stories end. J.K. Rowling will understand more than most when she closes the life of Harry Potter, that will be a very sad day! I try and write such fascinating characters that I almost love them as if they were real. I think my work is destined to belong in a drawer.

I love a good happy ending

I love a good happy ending but sometimes its easy just to give the audience what they least expect. I like to twist my ideas in such a way that I keep everyone guessing. I've read so many stories that you know how its going to end and its annoying. One of my stories is coming to an end and I'm planning to shock my readers right at the very end! Usually I build it up to make it sader but this time it needs to be dramatic and unexpected.

I am a creative person

I think I'm too young to really write a masterpiece. I still have alot of life to live. It's not like I need to be published. I want to make movies that make people want to take my seriously. I am a creative and an open minded person and I don't plan to ever read anything about myself in the press, I don't just journalists. This hasn't really helped my writers block but its let me get a few things off my chest. I hate putting myself forward for critiscm but if I don't I will never mount to a thing. I think people can expect alot from me as I believe that I am full of surprised and sometimes you need to take a chance...

The first post!

The first post I feel is always the most important. It's what sets out the rest of the drama. Have decide to separate my general ramblings from the writing ones. This blog will be dedicated to everything involving writing, characters and my stories.

I've been looking at creative writing courses this morning and have been brave enough to consider some competitions after my friend shouted at me last night for threatening to give up...she then decided to take my story to work and show some of her mates. To say that I am embarrassed is an understatement. Apparently they were impressed by my shocking introduction...I seem to do that lot.

I guess there will be more from me later when I try and figure out where I want to go with my new story. I have the rough idea but I can't seem to write it the way I want to!